time – healer or reality?

by Charity Carpenter Taatjes on Wednesday, September 7, 2011 at 11:15pm

For several weeks I have been tossing around this idea of time.  We all know the saying that “time heals all wounds.”  And I do believe that time is a healer, but for me at this season time is not yet a healer.  To me each day that passes is a deeper understanding of the loss I have suffered.  My lows are still getting lower and my loneliness feels more alone.  The space between his arms and his voice grows bigger…so future without him becomes more real.  The idea Dylan’s birthday is getting closer, and the time I had with him on this earth soon will be equal with the time he has been gone.  The idea of the rest of time on this earth without them is too daunting to even think about.  As time passes, the gift of numbness that shock brings slowly wears off.

I yo-yo back and forth between  - the reality that almost 5 months has passed, and I know it has been forever since I have heard his voice, felt his embrace, kissed Dylan’s check, laughed at both of my boys – and the false sense Derek could still walk through the door and my nightmare would be over.

Time…when will seconds, minutes, hours and days work your healing powers?
Time…when will the true reality sink in and I will finally hit bottom?
Time…when will the idea of your future not stop me short of breathe?
Time…why didn’t I have more of you with Derek and Dylan?
Time…are my days of having children over?
Time…will the girls remember the memories made with their daddy?
Time…when will you bring my Savior’s return?
Time…how can one moment I feel so low and in the same moment I feel a super natural joy and peace?
Time…thank-you for the great times I had with Derek.  Amazing memories beyond comprehension.
Time…thank-you that Derek and I didn’t let you pass by with anger in our hearts towards on another.Time…thank-you for being filled with love and laughter.

We are not promised time.  How do we use this gift of time?  Where does it go?  Where we spend our time is truly what we value.  Time flies when you are having fun, but practically stands still when you are in the valley.

1For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: 2a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 3a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.  Ecclesiastes  3

TIME – my hope is not in you but in the creator of you.  He is my healer.  I have a hope for my future that is unfailing, unchanging and unshaken!

Jud 1:24 – 25  Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

Lord, Jesus I pray that I use this time you have given me wisely.  Help me give it back to you.  Thank-you in the midst of this pain – there is hope and joy in you.

1 Comment

  1. Pam Haglund

    Charity: Thanks so much for being real and sharing your tattered heart with the rest of us! I continue to pray for you and your girls – through the highs and the lows.

    Pam – from Crossroads

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