so i consider myself to be a pretty strong, confident, self-aware, independent woman…and all i long for tonight is for someone to take care of me.  the past few months have taken their toll.  i am exhausted.  not physically…but emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  i now have more than double the responsibility, and I am missing my lighter half, my king of fun, the man who could make me laugh.  he would tease me, and we would have banter.  he would say inappropriate things at just the right time, in just the right way that would send me into convulsions.  anyway, doing the grind of life didn’t feel like the grind because i had my partner, my derek.  we partnered in parenting, in ministry, in fun, and in life.

i have learned over the past few months that i enjoy partnership.  being locked arm and arm with someone that compliments you.  for example, currently at work i have a fellow 6-foot tall woman, partnering with me on my project.  i love it.  together we get things done.

what is ironic to me is in my marriage and in my relationship with Christ, one of my constant struggles is my self-reliance and independence, and all i long for now is someone to come take care of me…emotionally and physically.  at a time when i need to be strong, confident, self-aware and independent, i desire an earthly physical caretaker.  i want someone to get up with girls, so i can sleep in.  someone to bring me a glass of water.  someone to put me to bed and stroke my hair.  someone to know i had a hard day so they have flowers waiting when i get home.  someone to hold me as i cry.  someone to protect me from all of this hurt.  someone to take some of the responsibility away.  someone to step into discipline the girls when i am at my ends wit.  someone to walk through it with me.  someone to take care of me.

derek loved me so well.  as chelsea talked about in her blog, – Derek took on the role as the head servant of our home.  he loved me so well that the hole is so so big, and i am left wanting.  i feel so needy…

God is my strength in this – I have complete reliance on Him – but he created me for this horizontal earthly partnership – and he gave it to me abundantly in Derek…so now my heart yearns and my body aches…as I grow weary…

Isa 40:29 – 31 He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power.  Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

I cling to these promises – even when I don’t feel them at this moment!

1 Comment

  1. thank you for sharing your heart Charity

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