On Saturday! Dylan would be turning three. He would now be older than Johanna was when Derek and Dylan passed away. She turned three a month after they were gone. I feel this pressure building over the last few weeks of frustration. Moving from a season of contentment to frustration is hard to watch yourself step through…but it often a reality. I desire for my heart to stay in that season of contentment, but I feel it slipping away. I am frustrated that girls are growing up without their dad. They would be such better people if he was pouring into them the way I know he would be doing. I am frustrated that Johanna can’t live out her natural ability to be a big sister. I am frustrated that Ella doesn’t get to wrestle with her brother. I miss my family. My son…my third born. I am frustrated that the girls are growing up with a compromised me… I am frustrated that I don’t have more of me to give to them! To family! To Friends! And to those in need! I am frustrated that I don’t have enough time or energy to maintain relationships with close friends that I love. I am frustrated that I can’t trust God more fully. And that this is such a battle. I despise the ugliness that is in my heart and how this frustration spills out onto others.
All my personality profiles I have done over the years for work or leadership show that I enjoy challenges, thrive in problem solving and love change. I don’t like maintaining. I can do it but it is not my natural area of strength. So give me something new and difficult I am in my element. The continual grind…ahhh! But God’s word says endurance produces character and character produces hope.
So I surrender this frustration at your feet…clinging to the eternal Hope that you are a God that satisfies…one worthy of my life, my all…I cling to the Hope of your promises…I cling to the Hope of you, Jesus. You promise to breathe life into dry bones..so I am calling on you to breathe. Please don’t let my heart become hard and bitter after all this battle. You are the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, David, Derek and Charity. You promise Joy, Restoration and Peace. I am trusting in You alone to make me whole and to deliver.
Psalm 119:49&50 Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.
Romans 5 – Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.