Father’s Day…

Daily I pray for the girls that God would supernaturally heal their hearts from the hole and wound that is there from growing up without their dad. The hole is huge for any child without a father, but for them I specifically pray for the hole left because I know the father Derek was already and the dad he was going to be. Everyday I cling to the promise of Psalm 68:5, a father to the fatherless. I am often overwhelmed by the responsibility of bringing them up alone, solely responsible for the women they will become. I got my first Father’s Day gift from my sweet mother-in-law, and I feel that burden of being both mom and dad. My heart breaks for the girls as they still aren’t old enough or quite have the cognitive skills to realize what they are missing. But I know!! And I know I am not enough…

But…I know that God is…he has been enough for me each step of the way. When the worst of the worst, the unimaginable happened, and all was lost…God was enough. People often ask how do I still have so much joy…because God is enough. He is my identity, my hope, my all!!! How do I desire but still be content? When I face each day and don’t know if it will be one where out of the blue grief will strike or if it will be a day I can focus on what we have and feel blessed. He is enough.

This road I walk is hard, really hard. I miss them both so much still when I stop and let it sink in the pain is so still so intense, not nearly as frequent. I miss them for the girls…Do I understand why? Absolutely not. Do I wish they were here? Absolutely. Do I want to be remarried? Absolutely. Do I want a father for my girls? 100%! Do I feel like I fail my girls everyday? Yes. But I as my heart aches and longs for all of those things, and wrestles with God, in the midst of all of that, God is a enough. His presence was so near to me in the first days and weeks of the tragedy, sometimes it almost felt like his hand was on my shoulder. His people have walked this road with the girls and I. Loving us, praying for us, serving us. Our everyday is hard, but it is also so awesome! It is exhausting and good and amazing all at the same time.

How can I have joy? How can I have hope for a future? How do I fight the fight one more day when i am exhausted beyond all measure? How can I smile and genuinely be happy? How do i have so much healing? How can i know exactly who am I after wrestling with this idea of identity and worth for several years…because God is enough for me.

So if God is enough for me, I have to trust and hope that he is also enough for Ella and Johanna! Pray for them that in time through their own process and their own wrestling they would come to that conclusion, may the Father of the fatherless abundantly make them feel cherished and special and uniquely loved. Would he take away Johanna’s anxiety and fear of abandonment. Would he fill Ella’s early desire for male affirmation. Pray that he erase all memories of the mistakes I am making and supernaturally help them to listen to their mama, be confident in who they were created to be, for them to be kind…always loving the person placed in front of them at that moment…

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